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The benefits of being a snake

October 21, 2016

Sophomore+Olive+Ryan+hangs+out+with+her+fellow+snakes.+
Sophomore Olive Ryan hangs out with her fellow snakes.

Sophomore Olive Ryan hangs out with her fellow snakes.

Jessica Wierzbicki

Jessica Wierzbicki

Sophomore Olive Ryan hangs out with her fellow snakes.

Quite frankly, I’m alarmed by the fact that being called a snake isn’t responded to with “thank you.” The art of snaking is due the appreciation that it deserves. Snakes are stealthy, backstabbing, genius, sneaky, silent, and they can be sure that you’ll never see them coming.

Yes, I know, snaking can earn you a bad reputation. But doesn’t getting whatever you want outweigh a faulty status? Think about it. Is your dad threatening to ground you? Threaten his lawn mower in return.  Ever wanted to rob a bank? Snake your way into some cash by pretending to be a loyal employee. Invited to a birthday party that you would rather not attend? You’ll always be able to snake your way out of that one. Snaking can be used every day to get what you want in life, while helping you gain respect from some fellow snakes, who in reality are the majority of our population. People who place themselves above snakes are simply unable to cope with the fact that they too are snakes at heart. I, for one, think it’s time that we accept and love ourselves in our own leathery, scaly skin.

In addition to being some of the most stealthily innovative people in the world, the quality of acting that snakes utilize on a day-to-day basis is so extraordinary that it could most definitely earn them an Oscar. To be able to fool people day in and day out into thinking that you’re just a regular friend, and then turn around and double cross them, is a real talent.

As for you innocent non-snakers, I have sympathy for you, being constantly blown off and disregarded. So to save you some tears, I’d like to give you some advice on how to properly identify a snake amongst your friends, captured from actual personal experience. If your friend makes plans with you, and then goes behind your back and performs your plans with someone else, you may be able to hear the slight sound of a hiss when they talk. If your friend opens your text message and doesn’t reply when you ask for help, they could be slithering away as we speak. If a friend sabotages you so that you will fail, you better grab your anti-venom, because they’re gonna bite you when you least expect it. But think about it, that feeling of betrayal, it can be easily avoided by taking the advice of this article to heart and taking up the art of snaking yourself.

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