The “Ferris Bueller”

The classic “Mom I think I’m dying of the common cold, and I don’t want all of my fellow classmates to suffer because of my sickness, I love them far too much.” Just keep your head under the covers and keep the moans coming. It’ll be hell for awhile, but once your parents leave, you’ll have the house to yourself and you can be naked all you want.

The “Impersonation”

This one requires a bit of talent, but with proper technique, it can be very effective. Find a friend who can do impersonations slightly well, and have him/her call the school with their best “mom” voice. Have them say something convincing like, “HI! Little (enter name here) can’t make it to school today because he’s sick as a wood-chipper. I don’t know what those darn kids are doing to get so sick, but I don’t like it. I’d rather have he/she just stay in with me so we can play some cribbage, thank you. Ba bye!” That’s what moms sound like, right?

The “My dog died”

This one’s a bit more rough (or “ruff”) because you’re going to have to tell each teacher about it and you might have to draw a tear out of you somehow. Just put on your biggest frown and try to get through it. Make sure your teacher doesn’t know your parents very well, because this tactic could induce some questioning. Also, keep a list of all the animals you’ve killed off, because after your sixth dog has died, it’ll get suspicious. That’s precisely why I don’t like using the “my grandma died,” because you can only use it twice.

The “I’m a senior so I get to do whatever I want”

It’s no secret that seniors have some false sense of empowerment when it comes to these things. I usually just try to play along and say, “Oh yeah, you are better than me because you’re six months older even though you’re failing all your classes!” Feel free to use this if you are one of the “kings” of the school; apparently no one has a problem with it.

The “Bathroom escape”

This tactic is only useful if you want to skip just one class at a time, or if you want a 90-minute lunch, but it’s foolproof. Just fake a stomach ache, walk in the direction of the bathroom for about 20 steps and then enjoy your 45-minute parade through the hallways. Come back within the last minute with your hands covering your stomach, keeled over. I do this about twice a day, I guess I have premature senioritis or something.