Every year, on the same day, of the same month, a stupid little gopher wielded by a man dressed in a top hat is brought out into the light for the sole purpose of deciding the fate of our seasons.
This fat squirrel is celebrated every Feb. 2 and relies on his shadow for the future of the weather.
His name, not that anyone cares, is Punxsutawney Phil and he is a groundhog. A fat, meaningless, out-of-date G R O U N D H O G.
Groundhog Day officially began Feb. 2, 1887, in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania. Originating from German folklore, if an animal saw its shadow, six more weeks of winter would follow.
There are so many things wrong with this horrid holiday. For starters, it is a sexist tradition. Not ever, in the 139 years this has been taking place, has there ever been a female Phil. Groundhogs die, like literally every other living thing and subsequently the wired rat is replaced. And that process repeats itself over and over again, yet Phil has always been a man.
The people who have no lives or purpose in this world that organize this “event” have even gone a step further to give Phil a “mate,” Phillis. Just a slap in the face to all the female rodents out there.
But let’s delve into the actual logistics of this tradition. If the groundhog sees his shadow that means there are six more weeks of winter. Because the sun creates shadows so obviously if the sun is out that means there’s gonna be more cold dark winter days. And if he doesn’t see his shadow that obviously correlates to having an early spring because clouds, duh.
No it wouldn’t make sense that seeing your shadow means the sun is out and spring is coming, it makes way more sense to be scared of your shadow and run back to your burrow for six weeks. That’s what I like to call the Y chromosome.
Furthermore, disregarding the fact that the logic in its entirety makes absolutely no sense, Phil is also just inaccurate. Unbeknownst to most, there are actually a multitude of weird gophers out there all doing the same thing.
Of the 19 official groundhogs, Phil only ranks 17th on the scale of accuracy. If we as a society are going to listen to any dumb rodent, it should be Staten Island Chuck. Chuck accurately predicts the weather around 85 percent of the time. Phil on the other hand, is only correct 35 percent of the time.
So, let us recap on Groundhog Day. Every year we gather around a literal hog to celebrate something that makes no sense. This ratchet critter is inaccurate.. and also ugly. The more we support Phil the more we are supporting sexism. Yeah, I totally think we should continue this holiday for the rest of time.
Groundhog day is probably a social experiment to see if society will question celebrations that defy logic and are anything but reasonable. We failed and groundhogs are dumb sticks of meat with jello for brains, especially Phil.
